I’ve recently introduced this question in therapy, usually in the second session (or there abouts), because it tells me far more about somebody than asking directly about their “values” or their behavioural preferences, ways of being etc. It also always branches out effortlessly into other aspects of their lives which wind up being very important. It’s a good rapport building tool, but can also offer greater depth than you might expect.
People freeze up a little when you ask directly who they are. You can almost hear the internal cogs working in real time to construct the most socially acceptable version of themselves. “I’m kind, hardworking, I give to charity, and I’m obsessed with kale smoothies”. No one has ever said that, but you get the picture - inquiring into ‘selves’ is best done indirectly, in my experience. So, ask somebody what they hate that everyone else seems to love, and you’ll create an authentic back and forth.
By way of example, rather than self indulgence, here are mine.
Yep. Paddle. Or Padel. Even that annoys me.
The entire city, and world, seems consumed by it. Padel reels. Padel WhatsApp groups. Padel related nights out. Padel cafés. Padel brands. Padel dates (“instead of drink lets… ‘play padel’”). People spending 2,000 dirhams on what appears to be a reinforced slab of foam with a bunch of holes in it. You need special padel balls too - they look and feel suspiciously like tennis balls but that wouldn’t constitute a new revenue stream now would it?
I fully accept that this may make me sound like an ‘edge lord’. Someone recently accused me of being exactly that. I love the term, and I’ve always liked the idea of being a Lord. There is indeed a part of me that instinctively resists whatever suddenly becomes ubiquitous or socially compulsory. I hate forced fun. Twister. Board games. Halloween. Karaoke. They can all get right in the bin as well. I’m not miserable, you are! I resist environments that feel overly curated, branded, or consumeristic.
Yep. Matcha. I’m sorry. It tastes like soil. And I just found that video above marginally interesting - it’s not a virtue signally appeal to anyone to stop drinking it. To borrow two Americanisms I actually quite like “you do you” and “I love that for you”.
I am developing a conspiracy theory that, actually, no one likes matcha. This is why every matcha drink contains coconut milk, vanilla syrup, strawberry puree, lavender foam, peach flavoured mindfulness tears, or enough sweetener to chemically neutralise the taste. Again, probably revealing something (my lack of friends, perhaps).
Maybe I’m suspicious of wellness culture when it becomes so reliant on aesthetics. I might dislike trends that feel morally coded, where people subtly signal discipline, optimisation, or superiority through consumption. Jesus, Christian, it’s just a drink. Whatever.
Yep. The beach. Now, hear me out…
I adore looking at beaches. I love beach cafés, beach bars, little beach huts serving cocktails (my dream is to run one with a little existential library in the back - I’ll spend my days chatting to strangers, making pina coladas, and re-reading the Outsider by Camus). Yes - I utterly love being AT the beach. Just not ON the beach.
Sand everywhere. Excessive heat. Oil or sun cream staining your clothes. Noise (though not on Tioman). Towels flapping around in the wind and having to re-lay them every 10 minutes. People in extremely close proximity doing irritating beach things (Kite Beach).
Absolutely not.
Again, there’s information hidden in that reaction. I like atmosphere without overstimulation, and observing environments rather than fully immersing myself in them. Perhaps I just function better with a degree of space and structure. Or maybe I am far too passionate about what I don’t like and need to find out what I love! Eurgh.
This is why I like the question so much. Because our dislikes often reveal values just as clearly as our preferences do. And the second bit ‘everybody else loves’ reveals how the person either connects or retracts from others, and how they make sense of themselves in wider social contexts.
The person who hates networking events may value intimacy over performance.
The person who hates hustle culture may value slowness, creativity, or autonomy.
The person who hates massive social gatherings may not be antisocial at all. They may simply function better in calmer, lower stimulation environments.
The person who hates Christmas might have a history of fractured family relationships, or might simply find such occasions socially overwhelming.
The question allows for ample avenues of inquiry and information gathering, in a way that is nondirective, reciprocal, and often quite funny. Also, this all links closely to acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and the idea of values-based living.
A lot of people accidentally build lives around things they don’t even enjoy because everybody else appears to enjoy them. They force themselves into social rituals, routines, environments, and identities that don’t actually fit with who they are.
Over time, this creates disconnection.
In ACT, we often talk about “towards moves” and “away moves”. Towards moves bring you closer to a meaningful and authentic life. Away moves are usually built on avoidance, performance, pleasing others, or trying to fit into expectations that were never yours to begin with. Your dislikes can help locate where those tensions exist.
Of course, not every dislike is profound. Sometimes you’re just being difficult (I certainly am), or enjoying the catharsis of a good rant. But there is often a wealth of useful information hiding underneath this question.
So… What are three things you hate that everybody else seems to love? And what might those reactions reveal about your personality, values, relationships, friendships, and the way you actually want to move through your world?
