A few weeks ago I was talking to the man, the myth, the legend - Uncle Paul - about a couple of relationships in my life that had become palpably one-sided. They weren’t terrible, really, except for one, but had just drifted into something that felt imbalanced (at best) and a bit exploitative (at worst).
As he does so often with effortless wisdom, he said,
“Well, Christian, just be careful what you tolerate, because you’re teaching people what’s acceptable. You’re teaching people how to treat you”
I know he doesn’t own that line, but his ability to recall, on demand, a cuttingly relevant piece of advice is just as impressive (to me) as if he’d made it up. I’ve thought about that sentence every day since, which I’m somewhat embarrassed by, given I’m supposed to be a well-read psychologist with an abundant box of therapeutic tricks.
I’ve found myself coming back to it in my own life, but more importantly I’ve immediately implemented it in the therapy room.
What are you tolerating right now? (in friendships, in family, in work etc.)
The feedback, and the avenues the question opens up, have been so fruitful. People don’t have to wrestle with an abstract psychological concept. They don’t have to work out what I mean by “boundaries”. They just start talking.
“My friend is always 20 mins late for coffee” (Sorry Jochem, I’ll get better, buddy)
“My partner speaks to me in a way that leaves me feeling shit”
“My colleague ignores me in meetings”
Answers arrive, sharpish.
I’ve realised that, for me at least, it’s a far more useful question than asking someone what their boundaries are, which I don’t really do. Finally I feel vindicated.
I’ve never liked the language of ‘boundaries’, and I confess to getting irritated when anyone says “I’m protecting my boundaries” (for clarity - they’re not saying it to, or because of, me. People seem to just say it. Bit like ‘vibes’). I’ve rarely any idea what they mean, and - more importantly - neither do they. It’s become one of those ubiquitous psychological terms that everyone passes around with zero regard for clarity or specificity (gaslighting, closure, self-love etc.). I had a bit of an argument with a therapist about this recently, so I asked him to define what ‘boundaries’ are (ridiculously, he didn’t see that coming), and you’d have thought I’d asked him to describe the smell of a wet dog (or something more relatedly abstract). “Erm, it’s erm, they’re your standards, erm, it’s about”… Yeah whatever. Anyhow, don’t believe me? Ask yourself, right now: What are my boundaries?
Not sure, are you? That’s OK. Hardly anyone is.
Ask yourself instead, What am I tolerating right now?
I think you’ll have a few ideas within seconds. Now… what to do about it? Subscribe, and I’ll tell you tomorrow.
